The Curious Kinky Person’s Guide to Fifty Shades Freed, Chapter 9

I want to get through the Fifty Shades trilogy by the end of the year so I can start 2013 without this particular kidney stone in my system. Given that I hate this book more and more with each page, that could be difficult. Part of the problem is that, as the story unfolds, there’s actually less and less BDSM, and more and more of Ana and Christian’s hideously dysfunctional marriage. That’s not what I signed up for. I was under the impression that this was a book about BDSM, and assumed that it would basically be a standard-issue romance with some extra kink in the sex scenes; at worse, silly, harmless fluff. Instead, only a minority of the sex scenes involve any kink at all (I should total up the number) and the great love story of 2012 is the most abusive nightmare I’ve ever read. I’m more angered and baffled now than when I started this project.

Okay, where were we? The Expander takes an afternoon out of running his empire to force his wife to take his name by threatening to rape her. Mrs. Expander is a drunk paranoid slut-shamer, learning to exercise her right as a member of the one-percent (by marriage) to verbally abuse underlings. Everybody up to speed?

I’m going to skim over a lot, both for my own sanity and because E.L James keeps repeating the same mistakes. Americans using British expressions, the faux-witty emails, etc. Repeating that only shows just how poorly, if at all, this book was edited and copy-edited.

So, Christian is off to New York for some reason. He also tells Ana that the gun in his desk was Leila’s (wouldn’t that make it evidence in a criminal case?), yet he refuses to learn how to shoot despite Ana’s insistence. He also says that Leila is enrolled in art school, and Dr. Flynn has been checking up on her. Ana goes into a jealous snit that Christian might have even talked to Leila.

Several more pages of twee emails. Do these people ever get any work done? She really expects Christian to call her the second he touches down in NYC… and he does! They get into another brouhaha over Ana going to have lunch with Kate, and we know how Christian feels about Ana talking to anybody not on his payroll. He wants Kate and Ana to meet at his apartment. (Granted, Jack Hyde is on the loose.)

Kate, bless her, talks Ana into going out to a bar for drinks, accompanied by the Goon Squad, with the addition of a new Goon-ette. Ana overcomes the Head Goon’s objections by using her newly developed Upper Class Bitch powers.

Ana learns that Kate knows far more about the security measures protecting the Grey family than Ana does. Christian has been keeping her in the dark, of course.

Ana and Kate skip dinner and get hammered on strawberry mojitos, while the Goon-ette watches nearby. Ana considers texting Christian that she’s actually out and about, but then chickens out. What is she, 14? We also find out that Kate considers the unfortunate Gia Matteo to be an undesirable hussy, as she had a fling with Eliot last year.

“It was brief. Last year, I think. She’s a social climber. No wonder she has her sights set on Christian.”
“Christian is taken. I told her to leave him alone or I would fire her.”

Ms. Pot, Ms. Kettle. Ms. Kettle, Ms. Pot.

EL James tends to write conversations that abruptly shift to unrelated topics, so this actually supports my contention that Ana is a lush.

It’s ten fifteen, and I have downed my fourth strawberry mojito. I am definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol, warm and fuzzy. Christian will be fine.
Eventually.

Setting one toe off the reservation merits five missed phone calls and an angry email from Christian. Ana can only plead with him not to be mad.

Back at Christian’s place, Ana arrives to find that the Goon squad has captured Jack Hyde.

What?

Yep, not even halfway through this book and Jack Hyde is an unconscious pile of flesh on Christian Grey’s floor. So much for the arch-nemesis, defeated by the supporting cast. Guy didn’t even have a chance to get in a good “Bwa ha ha!”

Now that the main external threat is vanquished (much as Leila was in the last book), there’s nothing to justify Christian’s paranoia and nothing to distract from the fact that this is the worst marriage since Heathcliff and Cathy.